Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Atephobia- the fear of ruin

I wake up with nostalgia hot on my bones and the memory of your kiss hot on my lips. I get up and swim through the haze. The room trembles with the remainder of the excitement I exuded as I left it all those days ago. Leaving is easy; it is coming back that burns.

The boy behind me on the bus is wearing your cologne. It makes me angry, indignant, like he is intruding on what makes you so intoxicating.  I want to turn around and tell him that he has failed, he can never be you.

Someone has trekked through wet cement, a snake of delirious footprints trails unknowingly across the sidewalk. I wonder if the scars you left on me show. Maybe they are in my pulse, in my eyes. There are minutes and miles between us but I see your name on the inside of my eyelids.

I get caught in the rain. Drops trapped in my eyelashes like city lights in the distance. All the things I once loved, that shone in a fantasy now fade to gray; I feel a light has gone out in me, somewhere unreachable.
I walk on, and on, and on. I will carry on with this intricate distraction. Isn't that all life is? A distraction? Or a high definition dream?  It is played out to sidetrack us from the fact that we are alive.

We are so alive it hurts.

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